Just another day outside. But a whole new day with immense possibilities for me on the inside. I am working this inside out. That’s the only way out for me. Lets see where this particular journey takes me. Keeping fingers crossed and hoping for the best!
I am the kind of person who likes things in order and everything in its rightful place. I have to work every tiny detail out before I embark on a trip..even if it’s a trip to the grocery store. I play it out in my head. I got a check list for everything..if not on paper I sure as hell will have one in my head, mentally ticking away at one when its done. When cancer happened, it disrupted the well thought about plans in my head about my future. It was like watching a well stacked card house which I had meticulously arranged, toppling over.
Cancer was an unwelcome guest at the totally wrong time. I didn’t have time for cancer. That was the last thing on my mind. When they took me to hospital writhing in pain I wasn’t thinking it could be cancer. It was just the pain that was a monthly regular. The following day’s hospital visit changed everything in my life. Up till then I was this happy-go-lucky creature going about her life with all kinds of dreams in her head. Cancer didn’t happen to people like me. Must be some mix up somewhere was my first thought. A few days after the doctors, the treatment, the surgery, the chemo everything took over my life. I had to take a break from work. My relationship was tottering and was close to a break-up. I felt like a lost kite floating in the sky. My future was just an empty space.
Not anymore!! All I had to do was change my thought process. Easier said than done. But it can be done. That’s the most important part. Believing in yourself and taking control of your life one day at a time. A moment a time. I faltered in between plenty of times. But I didn’t give up though I was tempted to many a time. And now I am in a position to reclaim my life. I am packed and ready for the journey called Life. There is no looking back now.
I am a limiting myself character. I am my worst critic. My worst enemy. And cancer was one of my limiting factors. Until today. For years PCOS defined me. Then cancer took over. Cancer defined me for over three years now. I saw everything through the eyes of a cancer victim. Later through the eyes of a cancer survivor. Chemotherapy defined me for over a year. In short cancer was winning even after defeating it. Cancer dictated what I did where I worked what I ate the way I socialized.Cancer creep-ed into my conversations, everywhere at every walk of life it showed its ugly head.
Cancer had grown to be an important aspect of my life. I was wearing it as a talisman.Ironic. But true.When that realization hit me I moved out of my home where I lived a sheltered life with my parents. Left my under-payed under utilized safe job. Left my home town. I was breaking away from comfort zones. I was breaking away from everything I held dear. I thought I was being brave. But I was being cowardly. I was running away from cancer and everything that reminded me of it.
I was running away from the constant reminders of what I cannot have because of cancer-a normal family life. A life I dreamed of having some day. Husband, kids. A house of our own. A family to come to after a hectic day at work. A family I took care of. Cozy dinners with husband and kids. Family outings and get-together(s).I was running away from these haunting dreams. I was being cowardly. And all this while I thought I was being brave trying to move out on my own and settling down in a bustling city working. But I held cancer to me like a protective blanket. I took it everywhere.
I survived cancer. But the scars remained-physical as well as emotional. The ugly looking scars reminds me every day that I cannot bear a child in my womb ever. That the dream of a normal family dinner with a happy hubby and kids will remain forever that-an unattainable dream. I am forever doomed to dine alone at my lonely apartment. That’s what I believed. I blamed God. I blamed myself. I remained forever miserable. Then I realized cancer is not the end of the world; an empty womb is not the end of the world; waiting forever for your boyfriend to propose in spite of your shortcomings is not the end of the world; hitting menopause as you turn 30 is not the end of the world; cancer carving out the best years of your life and bringing your life to a standstill is not the end of the world. Nothing is the end of the world. Until you see it that way. Finally realization hit, and I decided to reclaim my life one day a time..one minute a day. I am ready to let go of cancer and discover the person inside, and embrace her. Today is day one. I will be back every week if not every day chronicling my journey towards my life. If God let me live to tell the tale then he must have a plan for me. Today is the day 1 towards discovering that plan.
I wonder what St.Valentine has got to say about the way the world celebrates V-DAY these days. Will he be happy or sad or depressed? I wonder. Will he be turning in his grave seeing how we have commercialized the concept? Will be be mad at all of us for missing the point altogether? Or will he be happy that he’s got so popular, that we still remember his name every February even if we didn’t quite uphold his cause. Maybe he doesn’t mind anymore. Only God & St.Valentine knows what his take is about making V-Day a marketers cash-cow.
I have been missing in action since the day I took my baby out to meet others in the neighborhood in a zero to hero task. And we never returned home to ‘blogosphere’. I am great at procrastinating. I guess that habit will accompany me to the grave! With that realization I decided to stop fighting it. I am a procrastinator and a good one at that. So why fight the feeling? I have no option now. Because of my irritating habit my blog baby is on life support and fighting for her life. So I have to slay the demon of procrastination once and for all. I hope I get to slay my Goliath and soon.
Tinkered with Themes yesterday. It was like I was dressing up my baby blog. I hope the baby enjoyed trying on all those clothes just as much as I did exploring new ones. Its Day 6 and I decided to embed from Pinterest. Here goes something that I found interesting especially with the New year and all. Hope you all like it too, it’s a Neil Gaiman quote:
Day 3 asks ‘What’s on my mind?’. I am a day late on my task. But I am slugging along. Not ready to give up just yet. My blog might be a ‘premature’ baby but there is no way I am killing it before time. My baby is a survivor like me. So on to what’s on my mind.
The thought of starting a blog came to my mind when I was struggling with cancer. I needed an outlet for all those emotions welling up inside me. I need to focus on anything but those cells attacking my body. Blogging seemed like a great idea. There I said it. I never thought I will actually spill it out. (Maybe someday I will blog about those dark years. I am not quite ready yet). The treatment and the healing process took over and I left my blog with just a name until January 2014. The good thing is that I managed to slain the cancer bug and lived to tell the tale. I am one of those lucky ones. I am perfectly healthy now. And I am sure being healthy doesn’t make you any less creative. So now that the ‘zero to hero’ bug has bitten me. I am here to save my baby blog. And its my baby’s survival that’s prominent on my mind right now.
I’ll be back with the day 4 post soon..I am not giving up fellas! I am raising up this baby.
On a whim I started off with my very first post on new years day. And then I came across ‘Zero to Hero’ at http://dailypost.wordpress.com/zero-to-hero/ and totally got hooked. It seemed like universe prodding me to take up the challenge. And since I never could say no to challenges I promptly took it up and here I am tottering ahead. Trying to raise a premature blog baby without a clue on either babies or blogs! Did I need this? This terrible feeling in the pit of my stomach?
Getting ready for free fall. Is this how single moms of premature babies felt when their eyes first alighted on their little one? Terrified with the thought of taking up responsibility for something so tiny that showed signs of life, its hard to believe that you had any role in creating it.There is no way you can turn your back on it. For better or for worse our lives were linked forever. The earlier you accept that fact the easier it would be to cope with the situation-the voice in my head whispered.The heart went bang bang bang at that. Noooo..you procrastinate too much. Babies need constant attention and premature ones need more than that. What do you know about babies or blogs anyway?
But it needs me to nurture it. To breathe life into it. And its mine you know. I can’t back out now can I? I will find a way. Its the question of a premature baby. Its about saving a life. I will find a way.
A brand new year. No resolutions for the coming year. Whats the point anyway? I never stick to these resolutions. Spent the New Years eve reflecting on the year past which was slipping by like a handful of sand. Then I remembered about a blog I intended to start and left it without even the decency of giving it at least one post. But did I think of resolving to have a go at it? Nope. So what does that make me? A persistent ‘procrastinator’. Why did I start a blog in the first place if all I wanted was to give it a name and quickly forget about it? I haven’t the faintest clue. But here I am with my very first post, and my guess is that its my solitude that drove me to blogging. The fact that I have no one in particular to talk to at the end of the day. The listeners are a rarity these days. That’s no secret. But I need an outlet for my thoughts everyday. Those random thoughts that come to your mind for no reason at all. To bring in some order to the chaos in my head, I decide to blog. I don’t know when my next ‘rantingsnravings’ would be but I do hope it’s sooner than later.
Wishing every soul on earth a very Happy New Year.