Butterflies in the stomach

Had gone home for the weekend-visiting my folks and of course Turbo. Was down with flu on my way back and I had to call in sick at office today. No big deal-you would say but it is a big deal for a workaholic like me though. I always hated taking leave be it in school or in college or at work. I absolutely hate it. It gives me butterflies in my stomach. I become that school girl who was scared of taking leave wondering what her mummy will think of her or how her teacher will take it. Today, I stifled them butterflies and took leave and decided to take it easy for a day. It meant I had a whole damn day to myself and it was tough not to go online and check on my work remotely. I did check post lunch but I started getting dizzy and stopped working.

I was not always a workaholic. I used to enjoy life. I used to love a quite time alone reading in my favorite corner of my room, I used to enjoy the so called ‘quality time’ with myself. Binge watch movies, go out on a stroll. Where did that carefree girl go? In all this while I was running away from life, trying to forget the past, trying to move on after the break-up I turned myself into a workaholic. Forever weaving an unending web so I do not get time to think about life passing by. Today, I got time to think-spend some QT with myself. I read about the tea-seller couple from Kerala who visited almost 16 countries despite their meager income. The couple inspired me- if they can travel the world why can’t I? It will mean taking a whole lot of leave of absence from work. How will I slay the butterflies in my stomach then? What will my boss and colleagues think? Will I be less of a professional HR because I took time off from work to travel? Will that make me less responsible? The questions churned my belly. The butterflies were back with a bang! I should find a way to quite them forever.

Movies, Books& my Travel Bucket List

Would love to travel the world someday. Ever since I was a kid I wanted to visit Texas and experience life on a ranch thanks to all the cowboy books I read. Australian outback was another area I wanted to visit. English countryside after gobbling down too many Thomas Hardy classics. After ‘P.S I love you’, I fell in live with Ireland. ‘Letters to Juliet’ movie made we want to visit Italy. ‘Sleepless in Seattle’ made me want to visit Seattle. Too many books I read was set in Africa- I so want to visit the continent more than any other. Want to visit the windmills in the Netherlands and the Pyramids of Egypt not to mention the Colosseum and the Eiffel Tower. See the rainbow at the Niagara falls- A travelogue excerpt we had as part of our curriculum sparked that wish. Argentina because my favorite soccer players belongs to the country. Tolstoy& Anna Karenina convinced me that I should visit Russia at least once in my life. Before I visit any of these places, I want to visit Hampi, Jaipur, Agra, Delhi and explore the historical sites which is much closer to home. The list will only get longer and I will have one reason or the other as to why I want to visit that place. I hope I get to visit at least a few in the list if not all of them.

Turbo-New addition to the family

Turbo is our new pup- a beautiful lab. We never kept dogs in our family for generations. I used to be scared of them dogs when I was little until I met my neighbors doggy- Julie. Julie changed my take on dogs. I adored her. Julie was a German Shepherd. The reason we didn’t have dogs at home was because my granny was a cat person and hated dogs. And everyone respected her wish-or rather nobody dared go against her wishes. She’s been gone from this world for years now and we never once thought of having a dog at home. Until my niece who had no idea about her great grandmother’s phobia for dogs decided to have one and coaxed her doting Dad to buy one for her. Hence we brought home Turbo and it did not take the family much time to fall for him. Now our life revolves around Turbo. I am sure granny doesn’t approve and I can almost see her frowning from her heavenly abode.

Running away. From LIFE

Four years since I visited the blog. ‘Was busy at work’ was my litany for the past four years. Reading went down my priority list. I was running away from life. The past four years has been an un-ending ‘home-work-home’ and sweeping every personal problem under the carpet. I found solace in work and my colleagues. I was neck deep in work. It helped me heal. Somewhere in the work-home-work cycle I lost myself. The enthusiasm for life was missing, I didn’t have time for books or movies, music or cooking. Through the years the passion for work also waxed and waned. I hit rock bottom. I started thinking of quitting. Then I thought back to the days I was battling cancer- I had decided to not waste a single minute of my cancer-free life. But through the years I have just survived. The life in me was missing. How do I get back to life? How do I bring that sparkle in my eye? How do I start dreaming again? Hope to find the answers soon.

I am packed & ready for the journey

Just another day outside. But a whole new day with immense possibilities for me on the inside. I am working this inside out. That’s the only way out for me. Lets see where this particular journey takes me. Keeping fingers crossed and hoping for the best!

I am the kind of person who likes things in order and everything in its rightful place. I have to work every tiny detail out before I embark on  a trip..even if it’s a trip to the grocery store. I play it out in my head. I got a check list for everything..if not on paper I sure as hell will have one in my head, mentally ticking away at one when its done. When cancer happened, it disrupted the well thought about plans in my head about my future. It was like watching a well stacked card house which I had meticulously arranged, toppling over.

Cancer was an unwelcome guest at the totally wrong time. I didn’t have time for cancer. That was the last thing on my mind. When they took me to hospital writhing in pain I wasn’t thinking it could be cancer. It was just the pain that was a monthly regular. The following day’s hospital visit changed everything in my life. Up till then I was this happy-go-lucky creature going about her life with all kinds of dreams in her head. Cancer didn’t happen to people like me. Must be some mix up somewhere was my first thought. A few days after the doctors, the treatment, the surgery, the chemo everything took over my life. I had to take a break from work. My relationship was tottering and was close to a break-up. I felt like a lost kite floating in the sky. My future was just an empty space.

Not anymore!! All I had to do was change my thought process. Easier said than done. But it can be done. That’s the most important part. Believing in yourself and taking control of your life one day at a time. A moment a time. I faltered in between plenty of times. But I didn’t give up though I was tempted to many a time. And now I am in a position to reclaim my life. I am packed and ready for the journey called Life. There is no looking back now.

#ReclaimingMyLife after Cancer 24/7 365

I am a limiting myself character. I am my worst critic. My worst enemy. And cancer was one of my limiting factors. Until today. For years PCOS defined me. Then cancer took over. Cancer defined me for over three years now. I saw everything through the eyes of a cancer victim. Later through the eyes of a cancer survivor. Chemotherapy defined me for over a year. In short cancer was winning even after defeating it. Cancer dictated what I did where I worked what I ate the way I socialized.Cancer creep-ed into my conversations, everywhere at every walk of life it showed its ugly head.

Cancer had grown to be an important aspect of my life. I was wearing it as a talisman.Ironic. But true.When that realization hit me I moved out of my home where I lived a sheltered life with my parents. Left my under-payed under utilized safe job. Left my home town. I was breaking away from comfort zones. I was breaking away from everything I held dear. I thought I was being brave. But I was being cowardly. I was running away from cancer and everything that reminded me of it.

I was running away from the constant reminders of what I cannot have because of cancer-a normal family life. A life I dreamed of having some day. Husband, kids. A house of our own. A family to come to after a hectic day at work. A family I took care of. Cozy dinners with husband and kids. Family outings and get-together(s).I was running away from these haunting dreams. I was being cowardly. And all this while I thought I was being brave trying to move out on my own and settling down in a bustling city working. But I held cancer to me like a protective blanket. I took it everywhere.

I survived cancer. But the scars remained-physical as well as emotional. The ugly looking scars reminds me every day that I cannot bear a child in my womb ever. That the dream of a normal family dinner with a happy hubby and kids will remain forever that-an unattainable dream. I am forever doomed to dine alone at my lonely apartment. That’s what I believed. I blamed God. I blamed myself. I remained forever miserable. Then I realized cancer is not the end of the world; an empty womb is not the end of the world; waiting forever for your boyfriend to propose in spite of your shortcomings is not the end of the world; hitting menopause as you turn 30 is not the end of the world; cancer carving out the best years of your life and bringing your life to a standstill is not the end of the world. Nothing is the end of the world. Until you see it that way. Finally realization hit, and I decided to reclaim my life one day a time..one minute a day. I am ready to let go of cancer and discover the person inside, and embrace her. Today is day one. I will be back every week if not every day chronicling my journey towards my life. If God let me live to tell the tale then he must have a plan for me. Today is the day 1 towards discovering that plan.

I’m all in for reading therapy!!

Wondering about St.Valentine

I wonder what St.Valentine has got to say about the way the world celebrates V-DAY these days. Will he be happy or sad or depressed? I wonder. Will he be turning in his grave seeing how we have commercialized the concept? Will be be mad at all of us for missing the point altogether? Or will he be happy that he’s got so popular, that we still remember his name every February even if we didn’t quite uphold his cause. Maybe he doesn’t mind anymore. Only God & St.Valentine knows what his take is about making V-Day a marketers cash-cow.

Once a procrastinator always a procrastinator

I have been missing in action since the day I took my baby out to meet others in the neighborhood in a zero to hero task. And we never returned home to ‘blogosphere’. I am great at procrastinating. I guess that habit will accompany me to the grave! With that realization I decided to stop fighting it. I am a procrastinator and a good one at that. So why fight the feeling? I have no option now. Because of my irritating habit my blog baby is on life support and fighting for her life. So I have to slay the demon of procrastination once and for all. I hope I get to slay my Goliath and soon.

Day 6, Pinterest & a Neil Gaiman quote

Tinkered with Themes yesterday. It was like I was dressing up my baby blog. I hope the baby enjoyed trying on all those clothes just as much as I did exploring new ones. Its Day 6 and I decided to embed from Pinterest. Here goes something that I found interesting especially with the New year and all. Hope you all like it too, it’s a Neil Gaiman quote: